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Welcome to the CFUU Humor Page!

Where it's OK to poke a little fun at ourselves!

A group of UU church school children were trying to determine the sex of a rabbit.

"There's only one way to decide," said one child, "let's take a vote on it."

Thanks to Joel Fuhrmann for this one! (And the next two jokes.)

A UU meeting must seem strange to outsiders. A person will speak and says nothing. Nobody listens - and then everybody disagrees.

How many UUs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's about 5 or 6, isn't it? Whatever is a quorum for the church board meeting. Well, plus, of course a couple members of the Building & Grounds Committee to actually get the ladder & bulb and DO it....and of course the chair and vice-chair of the committee to supervise....oh, they can't come Saturday? Well, how about Sunday just before the service....oh, the choir's rehearsing? Oh, God! No, I'm not praying! It's just an expression! What do you mean, I use too many careless expressions!? If I gave the kind of wacky pulpit editorials you do....no I am NOT appointing myself Censor of the Liturgy....Liturgy?? What's a liturgy?.....

A man was walking up the street, when he passed by a Catholic Church. He
noticed smoke pouring out of the building. He ran inside, and yelled to the
Priest, "Father, Father!! Your Church is on Fire!" The Priest grabbed the New
Testament, and ran out.

A little farther up the road, the man passed by a Jewish Synagogue. Smoke was
pouring out of the building. He ran inside. "Rabbi, Rabbi!! Your building is
on fire!", cried the man. The Rabbi grabbed the Old Testament, and ran out.

A little farther down, the man came by a Unitarian Universalist Church. It,
too, was on fire. The man rushed inside. "Minister, Minister!! Your Church is
on fire!", cried the man. The minister grabbed the coffeepot and ran out.

A man walks into the ladies department of Macy's, and shyly says to the woman behind the counter "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife".

"What type of bra?" the clerk responded.

"Type?" asks the man. "What types are there?"

"Well" replies the clerk "there are many shapes, sizes and colors of bras, but there are really only three types, the Catholic type, the Salvation Army type and the Unitarian type."

"What's the difference between them?" asks the man.

The clerk replies "It's really quite simple you see. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen and the Unitarian type makes mountains out of molehills."

What happens when you cross a UU with a Jehovah's Witness?

They knock on your door, but they have no idea why!

It is show-and-tell day at school, and all the children are requested to bring in an item which illustrates their religious beliefs. David stands up and says "This is a star of David and I am a Jew". Dorothy stands up and says "This is a crucifix and I am a Catholic". Jimmy stands up and says "This is a casserole and I am a Unitarian".

- Thanks to James Wassmuth for this one!

I used to say some Unitarian Universalists find the "seven Principles and Purposes" about as theologically stimulating as the mission statement of the Kiwanis. The reason I've stopped saying that is because their mission statement (from 1916) is pretty darn good.

- Scott Wells, webmaster, UU Christian Fellowship, Jan. 24, 1999

Don't ever cross a Universalist minister: you'll spend eternity in Heck.

What's the definition of a UU?  An atheist, with children!

What does the KKK do when a UU moves into the neighborhood? 

They burn a question mark on the lawn!

UU's believe in six of the Ten Commandments. The best part is, you get to pick which six!

Three children were talking about their religions. "I'm a Catholic," said one, "and our symbol is the cross."

"I'm Jewish," said the second, "and our symbol is the Star of David."

The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

- Thanks to Joel Fuhrmann for this one (And the next six.)

Fellow goes to a UU service for the first time, and later is asked what he thought of it. "Darndest church I ever went to," he replies, "the only time I heard the name of Jesus Christ was when the janitor fell down the stairs."

Why are UU congregations so disjointed at hymn singing?
Because they are always reading a few lines ahead to see if they agree with the words.

What 2 things do UUs and Dracula have in common?
They both have origins in Translyvania and they both shy away from the cross.

Q: What do you call a dead Unitarian Universalist?
A: All dressed up with no place to go.

A convict on Death Row, the night before his scheduled execution, was visited by the warden. The warden, in talking with the condemned man, said, "Usually at this point, persons in your situation find great comfort in talking to a member of the clergy. With that in mind, would you like us to send the prison chaplain over for a visit?"

The convict replied, "Well, warden, I have to tell you - I was raised a Unitarian Universalist."

The warden then said, "Well, then, would you like to talk to an english professor?"

A UU is shipwrecked on a desert island. During his stay, he builds two UU meeting houses.
Finally he is rescued. His rescuers notice the two separate buildings and ask him why he has built two?

"That one, I go to," he gestures. "That one, I wouldn't go near!"

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10/08/00